kinda dumb.


A glasses retail chain in Japan made a splash on various blogs and news sites lately with a new mobile site that lets you try on specs using your camphone. In reality, all you do is download an overlay and put it over a photo. Hardly very innovative or convenient. Here I’m using a random mugshot from The Smoking Gun. is a much more quick and convenient way to see how you look wearing different glasses.

For the women out there: All you need to know about men

You’ll, ah, want to listen to this with headphones. The people around you might not be as in tune as you to the deep and profound wisdom in the message.

I can just picture all the people in the control booth and behind the cameras, completely speechless. Maybe you can tell, but I have the utmost respect for people who can willfully and proudly expose themselves as complete basket cases in front of a large audience. They have a sense of freedom I can’t even begin to imagine possessing myself. If I were to somehow unload like that on TV, I’d have to live under a pseudonym and move to another country…oh, wait.

Happy Blog Action Day

I guess I’m supposed to write something about saving the environment.

  • If you need to pass gas, wait until you get off the train. Like me, unless I’m in a mischievous mood. Better yet, stop farting altogether. Greenhouse gasses and stuff. Probably causes cancer too. Everything else does.
  • Conserve water: sleep at work every other day and don’t shower. Like me. Cologne is your friend. Your only friend. You stink.
  • Ride a bicycle and use public transportation. Like me. (Doing it while holding a camera in your mouth is optional.)
  • Every half hour, walk around the house turning off all the goddamn lights your kids left on. Like me. And shut the refrigerator door all the way while you’re at it. I can’t wait till they grow up. Paybacks are hell.

But seriously, I think anything you do to save the environment will be canceled by pollution China puts out.

Announcing “The Japlish Podcast”

Japlish PodcastWell, I’ve put up the website with the first episode, and I think it looks really nice. All that’s left to do is convince Tony to help me create the content on a regular basis.

Here’s the concept and the reasoning behind it. Learning phrases is an important part of learning to speak a language. I find that in my mind I have a library of set phrases that I permutate into whatever I want to say. So that’s why we’re going to do phrases.

Why do silly, useless phrases? Because they’re fun, and language learning is too often the exact opposite of fun. But even if you’re learning to say something like “Please whack me in the head with a baseball bat,” you’re still learning grammar and vocabulary you’ll be able to use for real. Just not in the way we teach it.

To get started, we need your help in the form of suggestions for phrases we can teach. You can either write them here or go to the contact page at and upload an MP3 we’ll play on the show.

I don’t know if this will succeed or not because it all depends on out willingness to stick with it, and unfortunately Tony inherited from me the tendency to not finish what he starts. But if it does, the idea is to offer the first two month’s worth of lessons for free, then maybe start charging (to support our video game habit).

Other phrases I’ve thought of:

  • Stop picking my nose.
  • I’d like to drink your bath water. (sure-fire pickup line)
  • My favorite food is monkey brains.
  • Oops, I pooped my pants again.
  • Excuse me, I found this eyeball. Is it yours?
  • I learned many magic tricks while I was in prison.
  • When I grow up, I want to be a serial killer/garbage man/gas station attendant
  • I made you a bracelet from my leg hairs. I hope you like it.
  • I ate a rat for lunch.
  • I haven’t showered in three months. Don’t I smell nice?
  • Please stop licking my armpit. It tickles.

For some reason, Google loves me.

There are a number of search terms for which my blog ranks very, very highly:

  • Used Panty Machine: #3 and 4 out of 1,850,000. I have to say I’m very proud of this. (P.S. There are NO used panty vending machines in Japan.)
  • Used panty: #21 in Yahoo (Welcome, all you sick wankers!)
  • Chikan: #3 in Google Images, the photo of the guy I caught (SERVES YOU RIGHT, FU*KER!!), #8 in Google
  • Mouthcam: #4, 5, and 6! Take THAT, porno industry!
  • Groping Women: #2, the podcast about the guy who groped my wife who I nearly beat to death (OK, well, actually I only bitchslapped him) then had thrown in jail
  • Herro: #2 Why the hell are people searching for herro, and why are there over a quarter of a million pages with the word?
  • Japan podcast: #5
  • Bleach blonde: #6
  • How to become a Japanese Citizen: #6 (I’m still American, but I’m kinda sorta thinking about it…)
  • Conveyor belt sushi: #5
  • Burma Myanmar: #1 at …Huh?

By far, most people who land here from Google are looking for used panties or videos or stories about groping women. In other words, one-handed typists wearing only one sock, and it’s not on their foot. (Here, let me help you out: “Lunch Lady.” “Ann Coulter.” “Condoleezza Rice.” “Janet Reno in a thong.” “Your grandmother is watching you from heaven right now.” Finished yet?)